The 10 Commandments of Facebook

admin — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 14:00:00 +0000

The rise of social media has made it easier than ever to keep in touch with friends, relatives and coworkers. With a few keystrokes you can reconnect with an old high school buddy, learn what your coworker’s favorite band is, or play Scrabble with a friend who lives on the other side of the globe.

But while increased connectivity is an undeniably good thing, you can just as easily use it to annoy the living hell out of everyone you know. This is the internet, after all, and if something on the internet can be used in an annoying way, you can safely assume that 99% of the population will proceed to do so (go try reading a comment on YouTube if you don’t believe me).

People need rules to tell them how to act. Luckily I went to the top of Mount Internet last night, and God handed me down these 10 Commandments of Facebook for all to obey. Follow them or you’ll go to hell.

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19 Things a Man Should Never Do

admin — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 15:00:18 +0000

It’s pretty clear, us guys get away with a ton of crap. We can sit on a couch, sans t-shirt, drinking a beer, yelling incessantly at a football game, and it’s considered “normal.” We can usually walk up to a tree, drop trough, and urinate without a second notice. But, there are definitely things we as men should avoid. Here 19 things all men should put on their “To-Don’t” list.

#1. Check your BlackBerry in bed.
To a woman, that’s like having a threesome with your boss.

#2. Ask for a kiss.
Her eyes will say yes or no, and nothing kills the mood like asking for a translation.

#3. Wear low-rise jeans.
So what if David Beckham flashes his hash in every other men’s magazine? It’s important to have some sack, not show it.

#4. Mess with another man’s automobile.
I don’t care if he stole your wife, your job, and your dog. It’s blashemy.

#5. Send an angry e-mail.
Have the huevos to pick up the phone or, better yet, meet face-to-face. Fireworks aren’t just for Independence Day.

#6. Dismiss a woman who shows any interest in watching baseball with you.
She wants you bad.

#7. Snoop through her e-mail, closets, or medicine chest.
There’s probably nothing there you need to worry about. But rest assured, you’ll find something you don’t want to see.

#8. Keep a home-run ball hit by the opposing team.
Or one hit by any player on the juice. I don’t care if it’s worth millions. Throw it back or you’re a traitor.

#9. Forget an undershirt.
Go ahead, let ‘em see you sweat. Just don’t let ‘em see sweat creeping out from your underarms like dark, foreboding tunnels to your moistened soul.

#10. Four words: inner-thigh adductor machine.
It might be a tough-to-reach muscle group, but there’s never been a better way to strain your self-esteem.

#11. Talk politics or religion with new friends.
And if you consider sports one of the two, leave that off the table as well.

#12. Talk salary.
The more you make, the easier it is to cheapen your image.

#13. Have that extra drink.
You know, the one that takes you from hilarious to hyena. Always respect your tipping point.

#14. DIY plumbing.
You think it looks easy. Then your house falls down. Water, like Hulk Hogan’s wife, is not to be flirted with.

#15. Leer.
Sure, her buttons are quivering to rein in her pendulous bosoms. Sure, it looks “cold in here.” And sure, each giggle causes her chest to sway suggestively. But “pervert” isn’t a label you can just peel off.

#16. Argue with a cop.
You were caught. Own up. Accept defeat. The only thing you win in that battle is a humid cell and a roommate nicknamed Stabby.

#17. Hang anything – your cellphone, your keys – on your belt.
You’ll never get laid again. True story.

#18. Pluck your brows.
It’s okay to groom. It’s okay to like a woman who grooms. It’s not okay to groom like a woman.

#19. Go tanning.
Forget skin cancer. Being trapped between heating elements is for cheese.

Did I miss a “To-Don’t” that should be added to this list? I’m sure there are more, and if you know any, leave them in the comments!

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