It’s pretty clear, us guys get away with a ton of crap. We can sit on a couch, sans t-shirt, drinking a beer, yelling incessantly at a football game, and it’s considered “normal.” We can usually walk up to a tree, drop trough, and urinate without a second notice. But, there are definitely things we as men should avoid. Here 19 things all men should put on their “To-Don’t” list.
#1. Check your BlackBerry in bed.
To a woman, that’s like having a threesome with your boss.
#2. Ask for a kiss.
Her eyes will say yes or no, and nothing kills the mood like asking for a translation.
#3. Wear low-rise jeans.
So what if David Beckham flashes his hash in every other men’s magazine? It’s important to have some sack, not show it.
#4. Mess with another man’s automobile.
I don’t care if he stole your wife, your job, and your dog. It’s blashemy.
#5. Send an angry e-mail.
Have the huevos to pick up the phone or, better yet, meet face-to-face. Fireworks aren’t just for Independence Day.
#6. Dismiss a woman who shows any interest in watching baseball with you.
She wants you bad.
#7. Snoop through her e-mail, closets, or medicine chest.
There’s probably nothing there you need to worry about. But rest assured, you’ll find something you don’t want to see.
#8. Keep a home-run ball hit by the opposing team.
Or one hit by any player on the juice. I don’t care if it’s worth millions. Throw it back or you’re a traitor.
#9. Forget an undershirt.
Go ahead, let ‘em see you sweat. Just don’t let ‘em see sweat creeping out from your underarms like dark, foreboding tunnels to your moistened soul.
#10. Four words: inner-thigh adductor machine.
It might be a tough-to-reach muscle group, but there’s never been a better way to strain your self-esteem.
#11. Talk politics or religion with new friends.
And if you consider sports one of the two, leave that off the table as well.
#12. Talk salary.
The more you make, the easier it is to cheapen your image.
#13. Have that extra drink.
You know, the one that takes you from hilarious to hyena. Always respect your tipping point.
#14. DIY plumbing.
You think it looks easy. Then your house falls down. Water, like Hulk Hogan’s wife, is not to be flirted with.
#15. Leer.
Sure, her buttons are quivering to rein in her pendulous bosoms. Sure, it looks “cold in here.” And sure, each giggle causes her chest to sway suggestively. But “pervert” isn’t a label you can just peel off.
#16. Argue with a cop.
You were caught. Own up. Accept defeat. The only thing you win in that battle is a humid cell and a roommate nicknamed Stabby.
#17. Hang anything - your cellphone, your keys - on your belt.
You’ll never get laid again. True story.
#18. Pluck your brows.
It’s okay to groom. It’s okay to like a woman who grooms. It’s not okay to groom like a woman.
#19. Go tanning.
Forget skin cancer. Being trapped between heating elements is for cheese.
Did I miss a “To-Don’t” that should be added to this list? I’m sure there are more, and if you know any, leave them in the comments!
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Especially #3!!
Pull up your pants you guys!
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